I don’t believe the dynamics of mother/daughter relationships get enough attention when it comes to self-love. As a mother I know the fear of doing emotional harm to my children and the guilt over the fear that I already have. I see women judging one another over how each other is choosing to mother. In fact I have been judged for making the choice to be a stay-at-home mom once it was financially feasible for my family.
Historically mothers have been the main care provider for children and often of other’s children as well. It’s second nature to place blame on the mother when her children act up or otherwise have problems. In fact a day doesn’t go by that I don’t hear of a mother being blamed and shamed.
What does this have to do with self-love? Well a ton actually! In fact so much that I will have to focus on just small portion in this writing.
As individuals we look to our mother for survival, unconditional love and information on what to expect from the world. Today we will explore our need for unconditional love.
As children we love our mother deeply and unconditionally. This love is pure in its form because it’s coming from such a pure being, a baby. When our emotional and physical needs are met, we feel safe and comfortable in this new experience of being in the physical. But what happens when our mother can’t quite pull off fulfilling our need for unconditional love every moment of every day? Which she invariably can’t. She has her own pressures and stresses and sometimes she just plain doesn’t feel loving.
If you’re human, you know what I mean. Sometimes the things that come out of our mouth are just not what we expected or intended. Not only that, but children and all people perceive our actions/reactions based on their own expectations and beliefs, which have nothing to do with our motives.
What does all of this mean?
Well, first of all, it means that our expectations of our mothers are that of a saint. But what we have to understand in order to love ourselves deeply and completely is that mom is just human. She’s a human that cannot give you what she does not have. None of us can. If you don’t love YOURSELF unconditionally it is impossible to love others unconditionally.
Your mother couldn’t love you unconditionally if she didn’t love herself unconditionally and you can’t love your family unconditionally if you don’t love yourself unconditionally. This matters because it’s important that you know that you can forgive your mom for not giving you what you needed most. She just didn’t have it to give because she probably didn’t get it either.
Now you can think about this rationally and know this is true and you may be doing that right now. But, you must deal with the emotional pain that you felt as a child. The pain that lead to the belief that you weren’t good enough. As children, we define ourselves by how our parents, especially mom, treat us. And most often that leaves us wounded. Before you can really forgive your mom/parents you must heal the wounding. It’s not their fault but the wounding is still there.
Understanding cognitively that she didn’t mean to do what she did does not heal the wound. In order to stop the cycle, so that you can love your children unconditionally and finally heal the mother/daughter dynamic you must address your own wounding. That is why I created my Self-Love Coaching Program.
I have specialized in Self-love for the past 13 years. It was something that I struggled with myself. I found it incredibly frustrating that every famous spiritual teacher that I read or heard said that we must love ourselves but never explained how to do it.
I have worked with women into their 80’s still struggling with feeling unloved by their mom. Time does not heal all wounds, they simply lie dormant until we address them. Over the years, I have discovered that self-love is our natural state and that there are emotional barriers that block us from experiencing that love.
Isn’t it time that you remove those barriers and give your children what you didn’t get? And give your mother the forgiveness and understanding that you hope will be given you?